February 2012
1 post
“A teacher who’s retiring this year- it’s ‘Mis-match...”
July 2011
3 posts
Text July 19th, 2011 11:11
Ma: I think that the trainer guy on "Extreme Makeover: Fat People" wants me.... badly.
Me: You're not fat enough for him.
Ma: Hmmm... Where are those chocolate chips???....
Me: Ha Be careful... just get a fat suit maybe?
Ma: Sigh
Ma: Seriously... where are the spoons?
“I’m going to assume that the package on the front porch is a coffin-sized...”
– My Ma. About the hookah I ordered. And did not tell her about. And the mysterious disappearance of the spoons in our house.
3 tags
“The cat video was pathetic. How much more evidence do I need that proves cats...”
– My Ma in response to this video.
June 2011
1 post
1 tag
Text Wednesday June 7th, 2011
Ma: The nurse says it's the morphine thats making me comatose... But I ain't giving it up until I have to!!!
Ma: Have you picked a day to move in yet!!! [meant to be sent to my sister]
Ma: Oops!!!
Me: Ha
Ma: This is your brain in drugs...
Me: Lol Take it easy okay?
Ma: A deer.
May 2011
3 posts
Text Friday May 20th, 8:42
Ma: Are you ready for the Rapture tomorrow? What are you going to wear??
Me: Something slutty.
Ma: Perfect!
Me: I thought so. How about you?
Ma: [You're supposed to put out a pair of shoes on the sidewalk so people will think you got sucked up!]
Ma: I can't decide....
Me: Yeah a whole stretch of clothes ha
Ma: Pajama jeans or a bathing suit?
Me: Um... either I suppose.
Ma: With crocs of course....
Me: Naturally.
Ma: If I wear a bathing suit, I'm ready for the Ring of Fire OR the bright sun of Heaven...
Me: Oh man you're right. Now I wish I had one too....
Ma: There's still time to run to Kohls... I wonder what time zone God is using???
Me: Probably GMT.
Ma: Do you think he's a morning person? Bc I want to have one more All American Slam at Denny's....
Me: Well, if he is on GMT then really you only have until about 6PM today.
Ma: Okay thats wrong because its tomorrow.
Text. Sunday May 15th 11:24
Uma: Accidentally shaved my eyebrow. Debating how to recover from this with dignity.
Me: ........... Explain? Go into theater? Become Stan Sitwell?
Uma: Uh so I shaved the other one more than the original and now I have to correct the other one. I will update you later.
Me: I like you. Good luck. Send a picture if you need a fresh pair of eyes to check...
Uma: Oy vey.
Friday May 6th, 11:36
Ma: Felisha just said she's 1/2 Mexican [which she's not], and 1/2 "Turkey-jerky Indian"...
Ma: She meant Cherokee.
April 2011
3 posts
4 tags
Over skype Monday April 25th 8:14
Ma: Que es el clase que tienes diaz?
Me: huh?
Ma: Que clase tienes diaz!?
Me: Oh... Economic Geography.
Ma: Is that the study of how much maps cost?
2 tags
Saturday April 23, 8:50
Me: Tumblr makes time pass so quickly...
Ma: You know thats what alcoholics say about booze right?
1 tag
Tuesday April 12th 18:35
Ma: Kid came up to me and said, "I smell like armpits"
Ma: I decided to take his word for it.
March 2011
1 post
March 10, 2011 7:30
Ma: I want to get me some of those Lady Gaga shoulders!!
Me: You are allowed to get the hair bows and that is where I must draw the line.
Ma: I already Have those, didn't I tell you? I WANT THE SHOULDERS!!
Me: Okay, okay I guess....
Ma: They'll look good this summer with all my hot-weather wear.....
Me: Sigh.....
November 2010
1 post
1 tag
Thursday November 4th 06:55
Ma: Omg! Miley's parents are breaking up b/c her mom is having/did have an affair with BRETT MICHAELS!
Me: Ick. How did they even meet.
Ma: Don't tell the non-conjoined twins!!
Ma: He seems very likable - but he's STILL a man whore...
Me: He's likable. I'd hang out with him.
Ma: You don't have enough tats to hang out with him.
Ma: I hope.
Me: This one is going on the blog.
Ma: Sigh.
October 2010
1 post
June 2010
5 posts
“Why would I be awkward? Hipster is my middle name.”
– My mother. After I told her about my Bucktown adventure.
Anonymous asked: REPENT
Tuesday June 1st, 21:25
Ma: I was so upset I didn't even write it down.
Me: (chuckle)
Ma: I don't know how you can possibly laugh about this.
Tuesday June 1st, 21:20
Me: Published.
Ma: I really think we should keep this to ourselves.
Tuesday June 1st, 21:10
Ma: Will you close your computer for FIVE SECONDS PLEASE? THIS IS IMPORTANT!
Me: Ha okay.
Ma: You must NEVER. TELL. ANYONE. ….. Wait, I can’t find him anymore on here… (looking in computer for name)
Me: .. Okay.. just spit it out!
Ma: We. Are related. To the guy… Sir Stephen something… who… You know Braveheart?
Me: Yeah…?
Ma: The man who brought William Wallace to his cell, stood guard over him, and then led him to his execution… is our relative.
Me: AHAHAHAHAHA! That is kind of awesome.
Ma: NO IT ISN’T! WE KILLED MEL GIBSON!
Me: hahahaha!
Ma: You must NEVER tell ANYONE!
Ma: (fake sobs quietly) How do we ever live this down…
Me: You’re really upset about this..
Ma: I AM. You just haven’t known about it as long as I have you just wait… How could he?!
Me: (chuckle)
Ma: How could he? I can’t…. Oh my god….
May 2010
6 posts
Via text Sunday May 16 18:17
Ma: Hey, the cute Apprentice chef guy is hosting Miss USA....
Ma: He needs to stay on one show
Me: Um, Bobby Flay is so much worse.
Ma: It confuses me.
Ma: Johnny Weir is a judge
Ma: Did you go to Planet Hollywood in Vegas?
Me: (blank)
Me: Will you PLEASE put more than one thought in each text so that I don't get a new one every time I am trying to answer the first one?
Ma: Not
Ma: Bobby
Ma: Flay
Ma: The blonde Aussie guy....
Me: I know.......
Ma: Is
Ma: That
Ma: Better
Ma: ?
Me: Thats it. This one is going on the blog.
Ma: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I shouldn't have provoked that but it has just been too annoying.
Via Text May 16 12:35
Ma: Nova says that we humans have less genes than an ear of corn..... That explains SO much!
Me: Hmmm
Ma: Next time a driver frustrates you, just remind yourself they have fewer genes than an ear of corn...
Me: Does that also apply to Ari and Professors?
Ma: Absolutely.
Me: Excellent. Does that also excuse me from getting bad grades?
Ma: No.
“Do you think there’s any connection between my being born & 3 months...”
– My Ma in an email.
Text May 12th 10:20
Ma: You hold your head up high, girl - you're a descendant of Louis II "The Stammerer", King of France (846-879)!
Me: Great.The weirdos.
Ma: Ahahahaha! But can u imagine how bad his speech must have been to get THAT name? Poor guy!
Me: Oh jeez...
Monday May 10, 2010 20:08
Me: Its okay that you missed it. It wasn't very good.
Ma: What happened?
Me: Nothing, just wasn't what it could have been.
Ma: But you're always hard on yourself with these things.....
Me: Maybe... Or mabe people didn't watch Ross at all
Ma: Well, there's that.....
Me: Yeah....
Ma: Well, consider this: 90% of all paper currency currently in the US has cocaine residue on it!
Me: That is no help at all. But, does point out a reliable source of income!
Ma: AND, u can then HIRE peeps to watch the conductor when they're playing!
Me: Well there you go.
5 tags
Saturday May 8,2010 11:27
Ma: THE RACOON KILLED ONE OF THE PT GOSLINGS!
Me: Nom nom?
Ma: No, dead dead!
Me: No, I mean did it eat it?
Ma: I did not ask for the gory details. "That racoon killed one of the babies" was sufficient.
Me: ha
Ma: Nature is the devil.
April 2010
1 post
April 14, 2010 06:59
Ma: I am worried for your mortal soul.
Me: I haven't done anything....
Ma: Leviticus 19:28
Ma: Please repent!
Me: I don't think I have that book in the bible I bought for class.
Ma: Yet another reason for me to fear for your soul. Thanks.
Me: Sorry?
Ma: "do not put tattoo marks on yourselves. For I am the LORD"
Me: That doesn't really strike much fear. That might even fall below ' don't do that because I said so'
Ma: Wow. I will pray for you.
March 2010
1 post
“I wonder if those hoarders tape all of those “Hoarders” shows and...”
– Ma
February 2010
2 posts
3 tags
Feb. 12th 2010 7:48
My ma is watching Tool Academy and I am trying to explain their behavior and the premise of the show.
Ma: All they do is fight!
Me: Yeah. They're tools.
Ma: And they all get so mad when somebody calls them a name.
Ma: And they must spend so much time on their hair!!
Me: Yeah Ma, they're TOOLS.
Ma: You'd think they'd want to get booted off this show on purpose. Its SO.BAD.
Ma: Oh you gotta have a made-up name apparently...
Me: Yeah they don't share their real names until they leave.
Ma: Oh my god.. IS THIS VH1?...
Me: It says in the corner...
Ma: No its MTV2.... They're horrible.
Ma: Wait, who is that girl?
Me: Its "Playa Pimpin' "'s Girlfriend.
Ma: WHAT?? HAHAHA Maybe I really won't put my glasses on...
(a few minutes pass by...)
Ma: Hey! This show has tools too!
(Ma has flipped through to Handy Manny)
Me: You need to get out of the house.
Ma: I KNOW!
2 tags
Friday Feb. 12th 2010 17:18
Ma: HEY! I wanna be a Swamp Logger!
Me: Um... have you seen that show?
Ma: Yeah! I wanna be one!
Ma: SWAMP LOGGEEEEER!!! (X4 in different voices, ranges, and inflections)
Me: You know... this is the kind of thing that I can't really convey across the blog I have of your quotes.
Ma: Thats just like Pilgrims to Porno.
Me: Naw, I'm pretty sure that story was complete just the way you told it.
Ma: Yeah, it did have a pretty good flow...
(I walk into the other room...)
Ma: SWAMP LOGGEEEEEEEERS!!! (sing-song-y many times in the background...)
January 2010
2 posts
January 27th 2010 8:05
Ma: Turn that back on!
Me: No. You're just going to sing the wrong lyrics the whole way to work
Ma: I'm not getting in the car until you turn that back on.
Me: Sigh...
Ma: (Chimes in to "I Try" with wrong lyrics)
Ma: This is such a good song.
Me: You don't even know the lyrics.
Ma: But I know the chorus.
Me: You know two lines with the wrong words plugged in.
Ma: Those are the only ones I understand!
December 2009
2 posts
Sometime around 1pm yesterday after I was waiting...
Me: Do you want broccoli chedwar or baked potatod?
Ma: Baked potatoe
Ma: Or potatO
Ma: or padadi
Me: Now you're just making fun of me... I can't read anymore.
Ma: Hahahaha!
Ma: Did your eyes change?
Me: Just a pinci but not enough to get new glarres
Ma: Yay!
Me: Huh?
Ma: What?
“I gotta start watching that show ‘cause I don’t get it.”
– Ma. After catching (and laughing at) the very tail end of an American Office episode.
November 2009
8 posts
November 23rd, 2009 15:51
Ma: the kids got me a gift basket- WITH A SNUGGY! Ahahahahaha!
Me: Oh my god. Now you can wear it until February!
Ma: Hahahahahahaha!
Ma: It'll fit if you want to borrow it!
Me: Naw, it was meant for you. Besides, I would not want to take away the thing that will remind you of your students while you are gone....
Ma: (no response sent)
“Cookies for breakfast? Honey, you have that option ‘till you are in the...”
– Ma
Wed. November 18, 2009 9:42
Me: A friend of mine told me that in Ireland 'crack' means fun.
Ma: That's stupid.
Ma: Who is going to say "Fun is whack"??
Thursday Nov. 5th. 07:38
Me: So I sent the you the file of the ring tone I made you. Just download it and put it on your phone.
Ma: Wha huh?
Me: Go check your email and download the file, then sync your phone to your itunes and it will load.
Ma: At SCHOOL? On my phone??? This is too much TECCHHHNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Sunday Nov. 1st 21:57
Ma: there's apparently 1.2 billion people in India. What if there's no place for you to sit???
Sunday Nov. 1st 16:29
Ma: I was thinking yesterday about Samfy - She's the 1 who turned me on to drum corp!!!
Me: Who's Samfy?
Ma: Look.
Ma: My glasses slid under the couch, ok?
Ma: SANDY
Me: Oh okay.
Ma: Go pick out a COTE!
Ma: A doat.
Ma: A ciatt.
Ma: A coar.
Me: I get it...
Ma: Okat!
Thursday Oct. 29th 17:25
Ma: Oh- I forgot to tell you - today, space cadet drama king Earis- he went AWOL… I found him down around the corner entertaining some kids b/c when he SHAVED this morning he FORGOT to put on his aftershave-
Ma: So he was doing it loudly & dramtically in front of everyone -& when I broke up the show, he’d already used up half a bottle
Ma: Of OFF gel bug repelant.
Me: Um…..
Ma: Midway through the morning kids were starting to cough and gag -
Ma: The nurse had to spray him off from the waist up…
Ma: Hosed him down.
Me: hahahaha I don’t like that lady at all.
Ma: So he was mad - called me and the nurse racist because we weren’t hosing down maurice or jo-el.
Ma: We had to point out that not only did Maurice and Jo-el NOT coat themselves with OFF - they were the same color as HE WAS.
Me: Hahahahahahahaha
Ma: So then he said “Well then you’re SELECTIVE racists!”
Me: ……. How could a fifth grader use the word selective correctly and still mis-label racism ?...
Ma: Sigh.
Ma: And Heather was testing one of the autistic kids, he hugged her, & copped a feel of her left breast - wouldn’t let go until she whacked his hand with a stapler.
Ma: So always carry a stapler with you!
Me: Oh jeez… Hope the stapler was clean…
Ma: Stapler was clean. His hand wasn’t - he had it down the front of his pants almost the whole time.
Me: WOAH.
Ma: But she just got a breast job over the summer, so she was kind of complimented…
Thursday Oct. 29th. 17:40
Ma: A Hart kid got expelled for chasing 3 people down the front yard with a butcher knife!
Me: WHAT!?!?
Ma: They asked her why she did it & she said, " I wanted to" There you go.
Me: wow.
October 2009
12 posts
Tuesday Oct. 27. 18:18
Ma: Ok, wacked-out kid alert!
Ma: Kid is in Art. He always carries around this stapler...
Me: Oh jeez....
Ma: So he's playing w/the stapler & my Assist asks him for it. He begs her not to take it. She can't take it - just let him set it on the table & leave it there.
Ma: Ok. So when she next looks over at him, he's petting it.
Ma: Like a cat.
Me: Uh.....
Ma: Over & over again.
Ma: So then HD picks up his scissors, & he has the stapler and the scissors "walking" together across the table. And he's like having them talk to each other...
Me: Mkay...
Ma: So my Assist goes back & asks him for them. He refuses. "They'd like to be ALONE!"
Me: !
Ma: She gets distracted by another whackky kid- who has climbed up on the table & is dancing to "Thriller"...
Me: Hahaha
Ma: So she turns back to Stapler Boy, he has turned the stapler over/upside down, & laid the scissors on top of it, & he's entertaining that side of the room by having the stapler & the scissors have sex.
Me: [blank stare...]
Ma: So it just proves what I've always said: Cable tv is the Devil.
Saturday Oct. 24th, 2009 20:20
Ma: Hey- I forgot to tell you about Takwon
Ma: Monday, when 1 of the tchrs on my team told the kids she was pregnant, T later went around telling everyone he was the baby's daddy....
Me: ........... A fifth grader?..
Ma: So he got in trouble for that... So on Wed he wrote "ass" all over my back table, but we knew it was him b/c he spelled it "Acs, acs, acs"!!!
Ma: Worst speller I have ever met in my life.
Okay so this one was over the phone but still...
Me: So Jayson may get his job back at the post office.
Ma: Thats good ‘cause they go postal.
Me: (Much longer silence than usual)
Ma: HELLO?!?!??
An Oldie.
Me: Did you get the message I left you this morning?
Ma: All I got is 11 kids making me want to drnk a strong one.
Before I stayed the week in my dad's apt while he...
K: Okay. There's rice & beans, salsa, chips, pasta sauce, pizza, granola, salad, mac & cheese, sandwich meat, peppers, & Makers Mark.
Wed. Oct.7th 6:22 PM
Ma: hey! Nobel Prize winners get $1.4 million! I'm going to get me one of those!!
Me: Oh yeah?
Ma: I wonder if they have an app online...
Wed. Oct 7th 4:33 PM
Ma: U need to talk to your peeps at Southgate. Some Genius changed all the pop & it stinks now.
Me: My bet is on Jim.
Ma: Cooler full of crap.
Me: I'm sorry?
Ma: Southgate has a cooler full of crap now.
Wed. Oct. 7th 11:45 AM
Ma: Ishmael just asked me why when Columbus had 1 ship wrecked, he didn't just call the queen on his cell phone.
Me: Did you tell him the ocean is a dead zone?
Ma: Ahahahahahaha!!!
Yes this IS all one string.
Ma: What the heck is a Domo?
Me: In what context?
Ma: In the context of it looks like a brownie w/arms & legs. All over 7-11...
Me: Go to urbandictionary.com and look it up.
Ma: Its not DIRTY!
Me: It doesn't have to be.
Me: Huh? Why are you at 7 11?
Ma: It's really white hen.
Me: .....What?? Do you know where you are? Where are your glasses?
Ma: HEY.
Me: Just checking...
Ma: Check your email.
Ma: So. There.
Me: How did that tell me off?
Ma: I ain't hallucinating! I know a Domi when I see 300 of them!
( http: //en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domo_(NHK)?wasRedirected=true )
Me: That thing is weird.
Ma: I have my finger on the pulse of what's happ'nin!!
Me: Oh god... You sure have your hands on somethin...
Ma: Don't you LOVE Fuji water??
Ma: Fiji??
Me: What now?
Ma: The water in the squarish bottles??
Ma: It's the BEST.
Me: Why? Why did you pick that one above the others?
Ma: The bottle was cute - duh! But really, it IS the best
Ma: Have you tried it????
Ma: It has silica in it - it is SLIPPERY - weird, but great!
Ma: Hey - 1 of my kids stabbed another kid in the palm with a pencil today - the kid said something about his Momma's booty....
Me: Smart.
Ma: Dear God...
Me: Well I don't know what to say to that sort of thing anymore.
Ma: Who does?
Ma: I blame it on crack!